Safe Spaces: Being a Green Zone Soul

I don’t know what I was expecting when she slid the Boogie Board my way, but I am positive that I was not expecting the string of rainbow-written words I saw scrawled before me.

Those weren’t 1st grade sight words she was practicing; they weren’t practiced numbers or letters; and they weren’t sketched flowers and hearts. Nope. Those words were some of the sweetest, most meaningful words I have ever received.

“My mom is so kind to me. She makes me feel safe.”

Looking at her with big, watery eyes, I whispered, “Oh Evie. Those are such powerful and meaningful words. Thank you. Thank you for writing those to me and sharing how you feel. Those mean so much to Mama, and I am so glad you feel that way.”

With a proud smile and gentle eyes, she wrapped her arms around me and said, “This morning, my teacher asked me what puts me in my Green Zone, and I told her that being in your arms is my Green Zone.”

Attempting to not lose all my tears in the middle of those crowded bleachers, I swallowed hard (letting a few tears squeeze out) and said, “What do you mean by a Green Zone?”

Without missing a beat, she said, “It’s my happy and safe place. It’s the zone where I am good to go!”

Again, the tears threatened to boil over the boundaries of my eyes and right onto those cold, aluminum bleachers.

“Oh Evie, I am so glad. I am so very, very glad that you feel safe with me.”

“Me too, Mommy. Me too!”

It was a treasured string of moments that I never want to forget and a cherished memory that reinforced the important and privileged role we can play in the lives of others.

And as I thought back to those moments from last night and reflected on not only being a “safe space” for my girl, but also on the ways that others have been a “safe space” for me, I thought I would share SIX, quick ways (because my little girl is 6) that you and I might continue to practice/learn/grow/and lean into the role of being a Green Zone Soul.

1. Make Time and Space: Too often, our lives are so filled with the endless tasks, busy schedules, and the constant demands of our lives that unfortunately, taking the time and making the space to build our relationships doesn’t get prioritized. It’s easy to take our relationships for granted, assuming they’ll always be there, neglecting the importance of nurturing those relationships and creating space for them to grow, deepen, and flourish. In order to be a safe space for the people in our lives, we have to be available, willing to create time in our schedules, and diligent to decrease the distractions when spending time together. Remember, it’s hard to feel safe when there is NO space to be had.
2. Create Room for ALL emotions: Let’s be honest, it’s a whole lot easier and a load more fun to listen to the rainbows and sunshine of life. But being a safe space for others, means that you are willing to make room (and take the emotional risk) for ALL emotions to be present. The good, the bad, the hard, the discouraging, the doubting, and the downright ugly. When practicing being a safe space, you don’t let your fears about their feelings get in the way of hearing their feelings, and you don’t let your insecurities about how to help them get in the way of allowing them to share. Too often, we are scared by the deep and dark spaces of life and so in an attempt to deal with our own fears, we avoid those places and deny access to the sharing of those difficult emotions. Remember, safety is created when ALL of someone can be shared and heard.
3. Listen to Hear, Not to Fix: Going along with the last one, we become anxious and angsty about what to do with the difficult emotions that we forget about simply sitting and being with those emotions. And when we get focused on what we need to do, we begin fixating our time and attention on how we can fix it, decrease it, or eliminate it. And though problem-solving has its place in relationships, I believe that we don’t do our relationships/difficult emotions justice when we’re so bent on changing them. To feel our emotions is to understand them…to learn from them…and to grow in, through, and despite them. Not all emotions and situations can be changed and fixed, so remember, being a safe space allows for another soul to be known and loved, rather than fixed or changed.
4. Validate, Empathize, and Normalize: Again, in our deep desire to eliminate pain and decrease the intensity of those deep and dark places where the difficult emotions can lie, we can be quick to tell people how they should feel, how they should respond, and how they should act in light of those feelings. Being a safe space means validating another person’s feelings in an attempt to understand and empathize with their experience while also normalizing those human feelings/reactions. Validating and normalizing another person’s feelings doesn’t mean that we always agree, understand, or even share their same feelings and experiences, but it simply means that we are willing to “slip on their shoes” and imagine what it must feel like to be experiencing what they are walking. Remember, safety happens when souls are heard and seen, not shamed and silenced.
5. Practice Vulnerability: Sometimes, creating time in our schedules and creating space for difficult emotions is not the hang-up, but rather we may struggle with the practice of sharing ourselves. It is lovely to be in the presence of those we love and to be known by them, but true and authentic relationship comes when both parties in a relationship are willing to share and reveal themselves in vulnerable ways. To be a safe space for others, we must practice what we preach and live what we encourage. It doesn’t feel safe when another person only-ever has it “all together,” so let’s remember that some of the safest spaces are the ones where others say “me too” and share of their broken and imperfect selves.
6. Encourage, Don’t Judge: A safe space is a person who sees your pain and hears your hard and speaks into that pain in life-giving, supportive ways. A safe space is not a person who harshly criticizes (adding to your pain) or judgmentally turns a blind and quiet eye to your situation (leaving you to your pain), but rather a safe space is one who encourages, promotes, and supports you in pursuing health, healing, and wholeness. A safe space is someone who not only gives you space to struggle and strain, but is also a person who will graciously, generously, and bravely get involved. Remember, safety isn’t felt or experienced in the gaze of a critical, un-involved, or blinded eye, but in an eye that sees in Truth, stays in love, and speaks in mercy.

Friends, none of us can be perfect safe spaces (because only HE is), but might I suggest that ALL of us continue to practice being Green Zone Souls to those we live with and love.