1. It will probably make more sense to start meal time by throwing all of the food on the floor and then let them pick up and eat whatever suits them.
2. You will be more wet after bath time than they are. I don’t know how, but you will be.
3. Buy a fake remote controller, a spatula, an empty box, and a metal bowl and just skip all of the Fisher Price toys because let’s be honest…that’s what they really want.
4. Your child will gain the strength of a wild boar named Samson when you go to change their diaper. It’s the truth.
5. When you utter the word “no,” it will sound like an appendage is being torn from their body. It’s normal; don’t fret.
6. Your food will always look better than theirs. ALWAYS.
7. It might make more sense to just start the day with dirty clothes from the laundry.
8. You may question if there is a possession of sorts that occurs between the time of 6:30-7:30 every night. Nope. That’s just normal. Even if their head swivels in weird directions, that’s entirely normal.
9. You are basically a walking napkin and breathing tissue because your wardrobe will see more food and snot than both combined.
10. If you want to look nice when your spouse arrives home, shower 30 minutes before they return home.
11. Go ahead and grieve the loss of hot meals as soon as they pass through your legs and into the doctor’s hands. Those days are gone. Unless of course you choose to pay $100 to go out for a meal and have a sitter for the evening.
12. So much of their responses will not make any sense to you. This is also normal. Nothing is logical and everything is a potential cause for dramatic hysteria. If you believe otherwise, you are entirely illogical.
13. You will spend a sizeable amount of your time clipping fingernails and toenails that do NOT actually end up being clipped. Do not be alarmed; this is normal.
14. Every SINGLE day they will try to eat inanimate objects that are not food and every SINGLE day, they will try to NOT eat food.
15. If you haven’t had people give you the “crazy-eyes” in public, then you probably don’t have a toddler in public.
16. Your body is a playground. Your arms are monkey bars and your legs are a slide; please don’t fight this.
17. When they start eating meat, their poop will make you want to die. THE END.
18. Teething makes you think and feel very scary things. VERY. SCARY. THINGS. Find a friend who will let you share those “very scary things” without judging you. Trust me; this is cheaper than a therapist.
19. When you open that refrigerator door, you have approximately 7 seconds to claim what you need before everything is torn out and de-shelved.
20. 90% of their diet will consist of puffs and puff-like food. The goal is to have them weaned from puffs by age 12. You’re good. It’s all good.
21. There will be a point where you want to go and apologize to every single parent that you ever judged. It’s okay; you’re forgiven.
22. The best time to talk with your spouse is not after you close the door to their bedroom. The best time to talk is probably 2 hours after that door closes–like once the hostage negotiations have come to a stand still and your eyes are automatically shutting.
23. There is little value in trying to cook a meal with both arms. Two arms are over-rated. Just use the one that is NOT holding the hungry child who will no longer be hungry once dinner is served.
24. There will be days when you probably question ALL of your parenting abilities. And then there will be all of the other days when you WILL question ALL of your parenting abilities.
25. Diapers are only meant to stay on children that are under 9 months. After that, it’s like playing Russian Roulette.
26. Weird things will start happening to you. For example, going to the grocery store will start to feel a whole lot like freedom and a lot less like a chore. Again, this is all normal.
27. If your child has not fallen out of a car seat, off of the stairs, or out of their high chair on your watch, you are probably not a parent of a toddler.
28. Books are for chewing; food is for throwing; and sleeping is for the birds.
29. Wipes are like Windex; they clean any and everything, and you will continue to use them even after they are out of diapers and studying for spelling tests.
30. It is perfectly normal to count the minutes until bed time. And then once they are in bed and your body is now yours for the next 2-8 hours, it’s perfectly normal to look through super-cute pictures of said toddler and then oddly miss them. Again, this is ALL very, very normal.