19 Times My Parent-Self Died

  1. When you screamed in the middle of the restaurant, “No, No! Don’t take me to the bathroom. That hurts! That hurts!”
  2. When your brother said in a really loud voice, “That woman has a really big belly!”
  3. When your brother told the Sunday School teacher during the story of the crucifixion, “Vinegar tastes SO bad. My mommy makes me eat it when I say bad things.”
  4. When you turned around on the hiking trail, stuck out your bum, started smacking your bum, and yelled to the passing hikers, “I hit my bum! I hit my bum!”
  5. When your brother said for all to hear in the restroom, “Ewww! That looks like bacon but it doesn’t smell like it!”
  6. When you yelled down the grocery aisle, “Hey man! Look at me! Hey man! Look at me!”
  7. When your brother said (in front of the Taco Bell cashier), “Why do they even ask our order? They should know by now!”
  8. When your brother said at the park (in front of other mothers), “Your head is small and your stomach is small, but you have a big bum.”
  9. When you exclaimed in the bathroom, with your head underneath the stall door, “I see her pink panties! I see them!”
  10. When your brother said in front of the kind grocery-bagger’s face, “Mommy, his face is scary.”
  11. When you were in Target (with others in the aisle) and you said, “Mommy, I get big and I get pink boobies like you.”
  12. When your brother said in the middle of Chipotle, “Mommy, can you not eat all the food? Sometimes I want some!”
  13. When you screamed at the top of your lungs in the middle of the park, threw yourself down on the ground, and started rolling around like a possessed animal.
  14. When your brother said to you, “I feel bad for your kids, Evie! They are going to stink because Mommy told me where they come out of!”
  15. When you decided you didn’t want your Fig Newton anymore, so you chucked it into the Seal exhibit.
  16. When your brother told our friends, “My Granny took me to see these girls with no pants on that kicked their legs. It was inappropriate.” [Rockettes]
  17. When you exclaimed at the Zebra exhibit with a family beside us, “I see his big penis. It SO big!”
  18. When your brother told you, “When you become a mommy, you’ll have to wear yoga pants.”
  19. When you grabbed yourself in the middle of Dairy Queen and said as we were passing another family who was attempting to enjoy their ice cream, “Ouch. My ‘padina hurts.”


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