I’m not gonna spin, re-frame, or even try to sugar coat the thoughts I’ve been thinking lately.
Because I don’t want to.
Because they aren’t pretty, and they aren’t packaged, and I don’t want them to be.
And even if I allowed my inner-pride to take over (covering my thoughts in sugar and rolling my fears in sprinkles), then not only would I be presenting my truest thoughts in a less authentic way, but I would also be detracting from the ways that God has been working in my heart through the raw and real.
I’m going to share some of the things I’ve been thinking, fearing, and even uttering out loud (my poor husband) as I’ve been accepting the reality that in 15 days, we will be walking our boy to his first day of Kindergarten.
And though I realize that this is NOT the end of the world and though I realize that this is most definitely a happy and exciting time in his life (and in ours), I STILL feel and fear the things I feel and fear.
And though I realize that some of you (the ones who have gone before and already walked this road) may have a desire to comfort, challenge, or cover over my thoughts and fears with truth, advice, and your experience, I humbly ask that you allow me to sit with my “hard” as God uses that “hard” to grow me.
So if you don’t mind, I’ll go ahead and reveal the messy thoughts of a mama who is about to have a Kindergartner.
I’ll warn you…they are messy (in both content and in presentation).
He should be okay because even though he isn’t assertive, he knows his letters, numbers, and can follow instructions.
He should be okay because even though he isn’t loud, he is not a follower.
He should be okay because even though he isn’t the tallest, he’s really fast.
He should be okay because even though he isn’t the most outgoing, he’s really athletic.
He should be okay because even though he isn’t the most talkative, he’s not dorky looking.
He should be okay because even though he isn’t the most patient, he’s not an obnoxious rule-breaker.
He should be okay because even though he isn’t the best writer, he’s got a really good memory.
He should be okay because even though he isn’t the life of the party, he’s not a bully.
He should be okay because even though he isn’t ______, he IS ______.
He should be okay because even though he isn’t ______, he ISN’T ______.
On and on they went…
I need to make sure he has a cool backpack…one that’s not too dorky and yet not too cheesy.
I need to make sure he has new tennis shoes…ones that are cool enough and yet don’t break the bank.
I need to make sure that he gets his hair cut now…not too long (not over the ears) and yet not too short (no scalp).
I need to make sure that he has enough outfits that match…so he doesn’t look too disheveled.
I need to make sure that he gets enough sleep…so he is kind, and nice, and patient, and a perfect learner.
I need to make sure that he reviews the letters and numbers…so he doesn’t feel dumb or less than.
I need to make sure that he does ______…so he is seen as ______.
I need to make sure that he does ______…so he feels ______.
As I sit here and write out these messy thoughts and earthly fears, my eyes fill with tears.
Because I’m scared?
Because I’m overwhelmed?
Because I’m not ready to let go?
No, no, and no.
I cry because as I write out my fears and think about my thoughts, I am saddened at what they reveal about my heart and my hope.
I’m saddened that I’m satisfying my fears by resting in the things that my son is and can do.
I’m saddened that I’m unfairly comparing my kid with other kids.
I’m saddened that I’m assuring my heart by believing that the things of this world will fill and fulfill.
I’m saddened that I’m finding hope and peace in the things that fade, fall, and fail.
I’m saddened that I’m trusting in a whole lot that isn’t HIM.
And as I came to this “yucky-hard-and much-needed” realization this past Saturday, I was reminded that the only thing this mama can trust in and attach my hope to is the only ONE who holds today and knows tomorrow.
So as my son walks out that door on August 17th, I will be boldly storming the throne, calling upon the only ONE who fills and fulfills, the only ONE who “can do” and “is,” and the only ONE who never fades, never falls, and never fails His mamas or His Kindergartners.
Now I know that the LORD saves his anointed; He answers him from His holy heaven with the saving power of His right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. Psalm 20:6-7