An Addendum: 37 Things the Books Never Told Me about Parenting

  1. Teaching your child how to wipe their bum after a bowel movement is just as risky as playing a game of “Chicken.”
  2. When your child has a cold, just plan on them using an entire box of Kleenex…or at least one small piece of each Kleenex in the entire box!
  3. Taking a Valium before putting small hands in small gloves would make a lot of sense.
  4. Traveling with small kids is kind of like trying to put your whole house into your small car.
  5. Chairs are more for “falling off of” than “sitting on.”
  6. Never, EVER go to the grocery store before lunch, before nap time, before dinner, or before bed time with small children…pretty much never.
  7. It might behoove you to wear protective goggles when clipping a child’s fingernails.
  8. Fruit snacks are a food group and so is mac-n-cheese.
  9. When you leave the house, check your clothes for stray boogers.
  10. Riding in your car with two small children is sometimes just as loud as sitting in a stadium with thousands of screaming adults.
  11. “Bed time” isn’t really about being in bed; it’s simply just a label (probably termed by really mean people who want to psychologically torment parents) given for the time of the day when children are most hungry, most thirsty, and most terrified.
  12. Gouging your eyes might be less painful than dealing with a child who gets soap in their eyes.
  13. Asking your child to wear a coat when it’s frostbite weather is mean…very, VERY mean.
  14. Coffee, concealer, and chocolate! Concealer, chocolate, and coffee! Chocolate, concealer, and coffee!
  15. Serving your child hot food is like serving your child a plate of venomous vipers; it’s also like asking them to wear a coat in the winter.
  16. It’s perfectly normal if you find your child (even at the age of almost 5) putting a majority of your house in their mouth…pillows, end tables, place mats, picture frames, remote controls…pretty much anything except food is fair game.
  17. The best place for toys is in the toy box middle of the kitchen right under your feet while you’re using a sharp knife to cut onions.
  18. Children do their best sneezing when their mouths are full of food, especially when it’s full of yogurt.
  19. Turkey sandwiches made at home are disgusting; turkey sandwiches made at Subway are magical.
  20. When you take your kid to the church nursery, be prepared to miss at least the next two Sundays of church due to vomiting, diarrhea, or strange rashes.
  21. When you can’t find your possessions, immediately go to the trash can and start digging.
  22. Don’t be surprised when your child starts leaping off of toilets while they are still peeing; they are probably just suddenly terrified of the toilet that automatically flushes with the force of Niagara Falls while their bums are still on the seat.
  23. There will be lots and lots and lots and lots of unexplained tears; don’t try to make sense of them…that would be VERY illogical of you.
  24. Your children can have a room full of toys and still have “nothing to play with” and “nothing to do.”
  25. If you want to have an entire, uninterrupted conversation with your spouse, plan on having it when you’re both passed out and dead tired on the couch…at around 10 PM at night…right after “bed time” has officially started.
  26. Often, you will have to walk past a hallway of awesome movies (ones you’ll have to rent probably 6 months later and will probably fall asleep trying to watch because the night before, you will probably be up in the middle of the night with a teething baby) to reach the animated movie that you will be watching with a movie full of small children who are more interested in kicking the back of your head.
  27. When you become a parent, you surrender your rights to eating ALL of your food.
  28. It might be easier to convince a small child to lay in a pit of hairy tarantulas than to try and convince them that the skin on their arms won’t be sucked off by the Xlerator hand drying machine.
  29. The best color to wear is black, especially if you want to wear that same outfit later in the day.
  30. A child will eat almost anything if you pour chocolate chips on top…even kale.
  31. When your child eats beef on Tuesday, be prepared to wear an oxygen mask on Wednesday during all diaper changes.
  32. If you want to keep your vehicle clean, pull your kids in a trailer…behind the vehicle.
  33. Convincing your child (at a young age) that crackers are “cookies” might prove helpful for at least a little while, or at least until the lady at the bakery tells your small child otherwise.
  34. Back in the day when parents said, “Kids were seen and not heard”…they were lying…ALL lying.
  35. When it rains, it doesn’t matter how many germs are lurking at that indoor mall playground. It just doesn’t EVEN matter.
  36. Wipes are not just for dirty bums and messy hands. No, no… they can be used to clean your dusty dashboard, your salt-covered flats, your smudgy sunglasses,…
  37. Be prepared that some day in the middle of the grocery store, your son will pipe up and say, “Hey, Evie! When you’re bigger, you’ll get to wear panty liners just like Mommy!”

Click here for the first installment of 37 Things the Books Never Told Me about Being a Parent.

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