You Might Be a Mom If: 41 Things

  1. If you open up your purse and find a bunch of “split-in-half” pieces of gum.
  2. If you open your purse and find a sippy cup and a package of fruit snacks.
  3. If you open up your computer and find fingerprints all over the screen.
  4. If your sink has a wad of toothpaste the size of a quarter on the faucet.
  5. If you find a goldfish in your cleavage.
  6. If you trip over a footstool every time you try to go to the bathroom.
  7. If you find your cell phone in the toy box (repeatedly) with missing APPS (repeatedly).
  8. If your body does not feel like your own.
  9. If you find it ridiculously hard to finish an e-mail in one sitting.
  10. If you use a wipe to clean your car dashboard.
  11. If you constantly feel like you just made a meal.
  12. If you are out on a date and you say, “Daddy, how was your day?”
  13. If your water cup (the one with the really cool, rubber straw) has crumbs floating at the bottom and teeth marks all over the straw.
  14. If you take a shower with rubber toys at your feet.
  15. If you take a shower with an audience.
  16. If your shower doesn’t really feel like a shower.
  17. If you excitedly go to the grocery store at 8 PM.
  18. If Target only sends you coupons for Aveeno, Aquaphor, diapers, wipes, and applesauce pouches.
  19. If you walk out the door by yourself with a diaper bag instead of a purse.
  20. If you haven’t worn big, dangly earrings for at least five years.
  21. If your husband asks how your day was and you answer with, “Well, I only had to discipline ___ times today.”
  22. If your glass surfaces don’t really look like glass.
  23. If you see a kid and think, “That kid looks a whole lot like Caillou.”
  24. If you go to Chipotle and have to dig through the bowl hunting for “spicy green things.”
  25. If you wonder to yourself, “Why did I even buy those cupboard locks?”
  26. If you find a booger on the wall, or on the car window, or on your pant leg, or…
  27. If you spend most of your dinner asking your dinner date to sit on their chair.
  28. If you get to the end of a roll of toilet paper and think, “Didn’t I just change this yesterday morning?”
  29. If you leave a restaurant and think, “We made it; we made it.”
  30. If you find a toy dragon in your tennis shoe.
  31. If you have an animal cover on the backseat of your car, but you don’t own an animal.
  32. If you spend a good chunk of your day dealing (in some capacity) with bodily fluids.
  33. If you can’t find something and you immediately run to the trash can.
  34. If one kid gets sick and you suddenly feel terrified of the next 24 hours.
  35. If you make dinner and think, “I should probably sprinkle some cheese on top of this.”
  36. If you schedule nothing on the day of or the day after vaccinations.
  37. If your husband comes home and says, “Why don’t you ever finish your coffee?” and you suddenly feel your blood pressure rise.
  38. If you ever look at your husband and ask, “Do you think we’ll make it through age four?”
  39. If you spend a majority of your day saying, “Get that out of your mouth.”
  40. If you hand the cashier an opened bag of snacks that are half-eaten.
  41. If you take a picture and think, “Well, that’s not too bad…only one of them looks possessed.”

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