36 Things That Kinda Make My Mama-Self Cringe

  1. When I hear, “Mommy, my pee kinda missed.”
  2. When we sit down to dinner and the first thing I am asked is, “Is there cheese in this?”
  3. When I’ve secured my place in the bathroom, giving myself time to gently exhale and breathe like a normal human, and then I hear a frantic knock on the door.
  4. When I feel a crunch under my foot and before I look under my foot, I see a pile of discarded goldfish at the foot of her high chair.
  5. When ANY door slams.
  6. When a sentence starts with, “Mommy, I just borrowed the scissors…”
  7. When I sit down to eat my breakfast and a little one is asking for her “second breakfast” and then shortly after, her “elevensies.”
  8. When my eldest spits out his toothpaste into the sink onto the mirror.
  9. When my eldest yells from the toy box, “I can’t find my toy!!!” and you realize it’s probably one of the smallest toys he owns.
  10. When you’re sitting at Chipotle and your son gives you these terrified eyes that are communicating, “I just got one of this spicy, green things in my mouth” and you brace yourself for the frantic scream.
  11. When you get to church and your daughter is screaming as you walk to the nursery, and then you realize you forgot her pacifier.
  12. When your son is sitting on your lap (in front of the computer) and he has the biggest sneeze of his life.
  13. When your daughter has a mouth full of cereal, and she has the biggest sneeze of her life.
  14. When your child is FINALLY in bed and then they realize that they haven’t brushed their teeth and then remember your words, “Your teeth will fall out if you don’t brush them.”
  15. When you’re getting ready to “get your love on” and you hear over the monitor, “I have to poop!!!”
  16. When your son says, “I have mud on my shoes,” and he’s standing in the middle of the living room.
  17. When your son asks for the “blue bowl” and it’s in the dishwasher.
  18. When you get your kids down for a nap and then the UPS man rings the doorbell one time three times and then quietly leaves your package bangs on your door.
  19. When your daughter realizes that her favorite blanket is being put in the washer.
  20. When your son screams from downstairs, “Evie made a really big mess!!!”
  21. When your daughter realizes that it’s not water you have in your cup but coffee.
  22. When you turn on the movie and you hear over the monitor, “I’m scared!!!”
  23. When your daughter is running toward you and face-plants on the grass asphalt and she’s wearing a heavy pair of pants a dress.
  24. When you go to the park and someone else’s kid brought ONE ball.
  25. When the waitress asks (in front of your kids), “Do they want a soda?”
  26. When you’re running late and have already secured the shoes, and then you smell IT.
  27. When you’re with your friends and your kid does “that thing” that you just cannot NOT discipline.
  28. When you’ve just snuck a special snack into your mouth and your son sees your chipmunk cheeks and asks, “What are you eating, Mommy?”
  29. When your son has the most sensitive eyes known to mankind (and the sun is blazing), and you’ve forgotten the sunglasses.
  30. When you spot those “black specks” in the tiny straw of their CamelBak.
  31. When you’ve just taken a sip of your coffee and your child is now falling off the chair…right in front of your face.
  32. When your child doesn’t want to bathe until the moment you get into the shower.
  33. When you’ve heard all morning about their “plans,” and then the play-date gets canceled.
  34. When they realize that you’re going to the McDonald’s WITHOUT the play area.
  35. When your child realizes that Starbucks has more than just coffee.
  36. When your child asks to peel potatoes and you’re afraid they’ll cut their fingers, but they beg and you consent. And then you’re really proud of them for peeling three potatoes, and so you snap this picture. And then seconds after this picture, they are screaming bloody terror with a bloody thumb.

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