You NEVER Love Me

On Sunday mornings, I often find myself in the shower scrubbing my hair confessing my sins. Yes, you heard right. I’ve been confessing my sins in the shower since the 90’s.

I’m not exactly sure where, when, and why this practice started, but I do know that “shower confession” began in high school. And friends, I’ve been doing it ever since. And it’s been good–very, very good.

It’s what I have now (as in like just now) dubbed: Soul Care-Showering.

No, seriously. You should try it.

Apart from hiding from your minions to secure peace and quiet for more than 2.8 seconds, shamelessly belting Aretha’s R-E-S-P-E-C-T completely off-key, and washing that mascara grime away from two days ago, lots and lots of good stuff can happen in the shower. But remember…lock the door!!! Soul Care-Showering can NOT happen with little pairs of peering eyes; it just can’t. I’ve tried it, and it just causes more opportunities for “shower confession” (i.e. Mama is seriously tempted to sin when bottles of shampoo are being chucked at her feet!!!).

ANYWAY (and in all seriousness)…

As I physically get ready for church each week, I emotionally, mentally, and spiritually prepare for worship, taking an inventory of my week and confessing any un-confessed and un-checked sins that may intentionally or unintentionally numb my ears or dull my heart to what the Lord wants to say.

And this week was no different.

Standing in the shower, I thumbed through my mental Rolodex, asking the Lord to reveal the dark and dirty.

Worrying about tomorrow before it’s even there…

I’m sorry, Lord. 

Obsessing over making mistakes…

I’m sorry, Lord. 

Impatient responses…

I’m sorry, Lord. 

Fearing man more than God...

I’m sorry, Lord. 

Emphasizing the physical over the eternal…

I’m sorry, Lord. 

Being selfish about how you want Don to love you…

Ummm…wait a minute. I’m not so sure about that one. I mean, I know that he loves me by serving me and by caring for the kids, and by faithfully going to work, and by asking intentional questions, BUT…he hasn’t planned any special dates for us lately, and he hasn’t come home with any sweet, thoughtful gifts either. You understand, Lord. That’s not fair, and that doesn’t feel loving to me. I want him to love me in that way. I’ve told him, and I’ve reminded him, and well…I think that’s fair. He is making a choice to not hear me. 

Being selfish about how you want Don to love you…

Yeah, BUT…

Being selfish about how you want Don to love you…

I know, BUT…

Jessica, haven’t you been on the receiving end of this kind of selfishness? Haven’t you been in relationship with another soul who has insisted on being loved in a certain way?

UGH. Yes…yes, I have. 

And as I thought through the conversations I have had with my firstborn, the Lord was gracious to remind me of the many times when I, too, have been unfairly accused of “not being loving.”

Caden: Mommy, will you play with me?

Mommy: Buddy, Mommy needs to do some other things around the house.

Caden: But you never play with me!

Mommy: Caden, is that true?

Caden: No. But you never love me!

Mommy: Caden, that’s not fair, and it’s certainly not true. I love you in all kinds of ways. I feed you; I wash your clothes; I plan play-dates for you; I take you to fun, new places; I read to you; I cuddle with you; I teach you about Jesus. Buddy, there are a lot of ways I show you love. And just because you want me to play with you right now, and I’m not…doesn’t mean I don’t love you and haven’t been showing you love.

Jessica, do you remember how hard and how hurtful some of those conversations have been? Do you remember how unfair and how untrue they were? Do you remember how him-centered and how narrow-minded he was being? 

Yes, Lord. I do, I do, and I do. 

So, is it true that Don hasn’t been loving you? Or is it more like…you’re being selfish about how you want him to love you? 

Lord, I’m sorry. It’s true; I’ve been terribly, terribly selfish. 

With soap in my hair and a heaviness in my heart, I confessed the dirty. And as I confessed, the Lord did a little washing, too.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

Friends, I’m not sure if there’s any confessing you need to do, but here is what I do know.

“We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace [confessing our yuck], that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16 

So whether we confess in the quietness of our hearts, in our cars, at our dinner tables, on our walks, in our beds, or in our showers… may we be faithful and humble servants who can honestly say…

“I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,’ and you forgave the iniquity of my sin.” Psalm 32:5

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