#worstMOMever: 21 Things

  1. I’m sorry I changed your diaper. I realize now that you probably prefer diaper rash.
  2. I’m sorry I asked you to eat. I realize now that only terribly mean parents do that.
  3. I’m sorry I asked you not to chuck wooden blocks at my head. I realize now that I could simply see the bruises as “marks of love.”
  4. I’m sorry I asked you not to put the regurgitated goldfish in your hair. I realize now that I was probably stifling your self-expression.
  5. I’m sorry I attempted to wash your body. I realize now that you were probably hoping that stench would ward off rabid animals who seek to eat small children.
  6. I’m sorry I asked you not to eat the remote. I realize now that I should have been excited that you were willing to eat.
  7. I’m sorry I encouraged you to sleep. I realize now that sleep is overrated and only for the very slothful, which is exactly why you wake at 6:15 AM.
  8. I’m sorry I thought it would be a good idea to comb your tangled hair. I realize now that I was being totally unfair; knotty hair is “in.”
  9. I’m sorry I asked you not to stand on top of the toilet. I realize now that it was probably very unlikely that you would have fallen onto the linoleum floor and cracked your head.
  10. I’m sorry I asked you not to chew on the soles of my shoes. I realize now that you were probably trying to boost your immunity.
  11. I’m sorry I requested that you wear clothes today. I realize now that I was being selfish when I was thinking about the sun burning your skin.
  12. I’m sorry I required you to hold my hand in a busy parking lot. I realize now that I was over-reacting and probably stifling your 18-month independence.
  13. I’m sorry I asked you not to rip all the books from the library shelves. I realize now that you were just trying to prevent the librarian from being bored.
  14. I’m sorry I asked you to stop hitting your brother in the head. I realize now that you may have been less upset if he had ended up clocking you.
  15. I’m sorry I shut the door when I went to the bathroom. I realize now that I have no personal rights to privacy.
  16. I’m sorry I tried to get the boogers out of your nose. I realize now that you may have preferred mouth-breathing the rest of your childhood.
  17. I’m sorry I asked you to sit down in your high chair. I realize now that the floor is carpeted, and you have superb balance.
  18. I’m sorry I took away my wallet. I realize now that you would have never attempted to put the pennies in your mouth.
  19. I’m sorry I asked you to stop unrolling the toilet paper. I now realize that you were just trying to make it easier for me to see how much toilet paper was actually left.
  20. I’m sorry I don’t let you get into the kitchen cupboard and get a snack anytime you want. I now realize (again) that I should be thrilled that you want to eat at all.
  21. I’m sorry I’ve been so bothered by your tantrums. I realize now that they bring SO much clarity. 🙂

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