1. Please try to answer all questions with an absolute “yes” or a resolute “no.”
2. Please try to keep your eyes open for the entirety of the quiz.
3. Please try to take this quiz in a quiet, uninterrupted, crisis-free environment.
4. Please do not scroll to the bottom of this quiz to locate the “Quiz Results” section and then subsequently flub and/or falsify your answers in order to “rig” your club membership.
5. Please remove that smile from your face; this test is to be taken VERY seriously.
1. Ever had one of those days when you feel like your head might spin right off your shoulders if you receive one more
hostage plea request that pretty much sounds like “life-is-going-to end-if-you-don’t- fill-my- juice-cup-and-find-my-toy-snake-in-three-short-seconds”?
2. Ever had one of those days when you feel like you might need a straight jacket if you hear “MOMMY!!!!!!” being screamed at ear-piercing decibels from the other side of the house (AGAIN)?
3. Ever had one of those days when you feel like you might jump on the back of a mail truck and beg the mail carrier to deliver you to the remotest part of Idaho where you’ll offer to dig potatoes for free…just as long as you don’t have to deal with whining and/or complaining spuds?
4. Ever had one of those days when you’d give your right kidney to a genie that would grant you six minutes of uninterrupted thought?
5. Ever had one of those days when you’re just plain tired of trying to get your kid to finish his ham sandwich in under two hours?
6. Ever had one of those days when you’re not interested in convincing your child for the 58th night in a row that shadows are just shadows and that those strange noises are not barbarians?
7. Ever had one of those days when you’re about 11 seconds from ripping out your hair because you’ve had 89 requests to “play,” and it’s only 10 am?
8. Ever had one of those days when you’re convinced that your husband is going to come home and find you laying in the middle of 12, empty bags of Doritos because you selflessly served small minions all day long?
9. Ever had one of those days when you’re afraid that your head is going to explode if you have to spend one more minute trying to logically explain to your illogical child why they have to eat, bathe, and sleep?
10. Ever had one of those days when you
pass rocket-launch the “parenting baton” to your husband when he walks in the door at five, requesting that he tend to the next 168 crises that will ensue in the next three hours?
11. Ever had one of those days that turns into one of those nights, which pretty much feels like an entire year?
12. Ever had one of those days when you’re just plain-tired of caring, giving, and serving?
1. If you have answered “no” to all 12 questions, welcome to the “You’re a
liar Rock-Star Mom” club.
2. If you have answered “no” to a majority of these questions, welcome to the “Please Write a Book and Share Your Secrets” club.
3. If you have answered “yes” to a majority of these questions but couldn’t relate to Potato Farms, barbarians, or binge-eating Doritos, welcome to the “You’re Probably Tired but Not Completely Crazy” club.
4. If you have answered “yes” to all 12 of these questions, welcome to the “Scary-Crazy, Tired-Delusional” club.
**If you were unable to follow all “Quiz Directions,” you will have to repeat this test because your club membership may be skewed.**
1. “You’re a
liar Rock-Star Mom”: Please give yourself a hearty pat on the back and keep your club membership a secret; ain’t nobody need to hear just how awesome you are. You could also seek out a support group where other moms who are in denial Rock Stars meet regularly.
2. “Please Write a Book and Share Your Secrets”: Please drop what you are doing, contact a literary agent, and start documenting every second of your every move for the rest of your days; the world needs your wisdom!
3. “You’re Probably Tired but Not Completely Crazy”: Go ahead and buy a straight jacket, contemplate making friends with your mail carrier, buy a wig (i.e. result of hair ripping), and read a book on “Getting Your Child to Eat in Under Two Hours and Sleep with Barbarians.”
4. “Scary-Crazy, Tired-Delusional”: Call me!!! I currently have honorary membership to this club right now, and it’s FREE for the entire
month of May year! Our club offers all kinds of empathy and support for other “compassion-fatigued mothers,” so don’t delay!
Whatever club you find yourself in now (yes, it is possible that you could switch club memberships within the next 23 seconds), can I encourage you with these three, simple reminders?
1. You are not alone.
2. You will not be here forever.
3. You are awesome at what you do; press on, Mama!