Cue: Fallon’s “Thank You Notes” music
1. Thank you, grocery stores, for lining the checkout lanes with eye-level candy.
2. Thank you, makers of children’s clothes, for using buttons that require infant-sized hands to button.
3. Thank you, commercial ads, for raising the volume and highlighting the most expensive toys on the market.
4. Thank you, delivery man, for ringing the doorbell like a maniac during nap time and then running for your brown truck.
5. Thank you, makers of wipe containers, for making the opening of the wipe hole extra-small; it makes things super-easy when my hands are covered in poo.
6. Thank you, people at the zoo, for approaching my three year-old and asking him if he would like a super-expensive face tattoo.
7. Thank you, restaurant owners, for charging me $4.99 for a small, congealed side of mac-n-cheese and for reminding me that I could have purchased four boxes and made 40, small sides with that $4.99.
8. Thank you, large wholesale stores, for handing out uber-tiny samples of frozen treats, salted crackers, and fruits snacks at the beginning of our 40-minute shopping trip.
9. Thank you, random stranger, for scaring my child, offering unsolicited advice, and shaming me.
10. Thank you, random pieces of lettuce attached to my son’s sandwich, for ruining our dinner and causing a scene.
11. Thank you, park management, for installing metal slides and only two swings. Oh, and thank you for the sharp, wood chips that poke through my flip-flops and my son’s heels.
12. Thank you, fast food chain, for displaying your kid’s meal toys at 36 inches and below.
13. Thank you, public establishment, for assuming my husband wouldn’t have the need to use a changing table.
14. Thank you, bowel movements, for delaying your arrival until after I put on the party dress, the little bloomers, the elastic tights, and the dress shoes.
15. Thank you, children, for withholding your loudest, most-crazy tantrums for public
16. Thank you, older child at the park, for drawing genitals on the slide; I was hoping to answer my son’s curious questions at a public park.
17. Thank you, kernels of corn, for making diaper changes feel like a treasure hunt.
18. Thank you, doctor’s office, for only putting the toys on the “well-side” of the waiting room because sick kids never, ever want to play with toys.
19. Thank you, Play-Doh, for making me more neurotic and obsessive than I already am.
20. Thank you, semi-large restaurant, for having only one high chair; we wanted our 14 month-old daughter to roam the booth anyway.