I Want Control

She wakes at 7:12 one morning and the next, she’s waking at 9:23.

She eats from a spoon one day and the next, she only accepts finger-foods.

She drinks all of her milk one day and the next, she acts as if she’s never had milk.

She plays independently one day and the next, she refuses to leave my lap.

She naps twice in one day and the next, she is boycotting both naps.

She sleeps 12 hours one night and the next, she’s up and down like a newborn.

It drives me crazy. 

So what is the it that drives me to the brink of crazy?

It’s the ever-elusive.

It’s the always-changing.

It’s the never-repeated.

It’s the out-of-my-control.

And when I can’t control things, it’s difficult to plan, prepare, anticipate, or know what’s coming next, and that’s really, really, really hard for this wanting-to-prepare, wanting-to-know soul. 

So yesterday, when my girl slept late, refused the spoon, denied her milk, insisted on my lap, and napped once, I was feeling frustrated.

Why can’t she just stick with a routine? Why can’t she do today what she did yesterday? Why can’t I know what to expect?

Why? Why? Why? 

As I stood in my living room with a bunch of rhetorical “why’s,” I started to cry.

What’s the big deal, Jessica? It’s just a schedule.

She’s a baby; things change everyday!

You know this is par for the course when raising a little human; get it together!

Why is this so overwhelming to you right now?!?!

And as I cried and then thought about my crying (Is that just a therapist thing???), I realized that my daughter’s ever-elusive behavioral patterns aren’t that only areas in my life that (as of late) have left me feeling unplanned, unprepared, and out of control. No, I think it’s pretty safe to say that apart from sleep struggles and milk drama, I have asked my fair share of “why’s,” along with a whole slew of “what’s,” “where’s,” “when’s,” and “how’s.”

Lord…

I thought this was the plan, so what are you doing now? 

I thought this was the place, so where are you taking us now?

I thought this was your timing, so when are you going to make it clear? 

I thought this was what you wanted from us, so why are you changing things now?

I know you are saying this, but I thought this, so how are you going to work THIS out?

And I imagine that I’m not the only one who has ever struggled with an unknown, changed plan.

“You blessed me with a child at 100, and now you want me to kill him? What kind of plan is this?” -Abraham

“You had me take them out of Egypt, and now you want me to walk them around a dry, empty wilderness. Where exactly are you taking us?” -Moses

“You anointed me as the future King, but now Saul wants my head. When is that whole king-thing gonna happen?” -David

“You asked me to faithfully follow you, but now I’m being thrown in a den of lions. Why are you allowing this?” -Daniel

“You told me I was going to be great and my brothers would bow down to me, but I was just sold by those brothers. How exactly is that going to go down?” -Joseph

Like Abraham, like Moses, like David, like Daniel, like Joseph, like me, and maybe even like you…

What do we do when life requires us to live moment by moment?

What do we do when we’re forced to put one foot in front of the other?

What do we do when we can’t know what today holds and what tomorrow promises?

We do the only things we CAN do.

We cling to Him;

We trust that He is in control of ALL our moments, of ALL our steps, and of ALL our today’s and tomorrow’s; and 

We rest in knowing that though we may not know, He does. 

Fellow soul, I don’t know what questions you have, what answers you want, and what path you’re on, but there is one thing I DO know.

He has a straight path for all who trust and acknowledge Him. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understandingIn all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6 

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One thought on “I Want Control

  1. Good reminder that none of us has a monopoly on life not turning out as we had planned. That’s been the human condition since the wrong piece of fruit was sampled from the wrong tree. I’m so thankful I’m not alone in navigating a different course than the one I laid out for myself, and I’m even more thankful that the Lord graciously allows us to have our feelings about His rerouting of our lives… while also reminding us why we can trust His navigation.

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