When You Want to Gouge Your Parent Eyes: 24 Scenarios

1. When you realize there is no kid menu but the server says, “Oh, but we have macaroni and cheese on our menu for $11.99.”

2. When you try to conspicuously leak a little gas and your son asks for all to hear in the grocery aisle, “Mommy, did you fart? It stinks!!”

3. When you’re at the park and another kid throws sand at your kid and that other kid’s parent is watching and saying absolutely nothing while your child is being pelted with sand.

4. When you work hard to make dinner only to have an all-out-tantrum occur when you utter the words, “Dinner is ready.”

5. When that dinner-time tantrum requires that you shepherd the angry sheep’s heart while your food congeals and turns lukewarm.

6. When you spend 37 minutes getting ready for a morning at the park only to get to the park and hear, “Mommy, I have to poop,” and all the bathrooms are randomly closed because apparently people don’t poop in the spring-time!

7. When your child is hiding behind your leg and a complete stranger keeps asking in a really, creepy-loud voice, “What’s wrong with you little boy? Does the cat got your tongue?”

8. When that same random stranger then says to you, “Isn’t it nap time? You really ought to keep them on a schedule at this age.”

9. When you bathe the baby, comb her hair, and take the time to fasten a cute bow…and then she runs a round of eggs and buttered toast through her hair (which she never does).

10. When your child squeezes the 32 oz. of Coke all over the carpet that you just had steam-cleaned.

11. When you finally decide that you’re going to take a chance and put out the bathroom rugs (the ones that you stopped putting down because of random pee spills) and then someone has a ginormous pee spill because they were sitting side-saddle on the potty while telling you about their Super Hero exploits.

12. When you pack everything except the kitchen sink and an extra pair of socks, and then you lose one of the baby’s socks and random strangers keep asking you, “Aren’t her feet cold?”

13. When you enter a restaurant and offer a potty break that is promptly denied only to be accepted right after the server delivers your food.

14. When you’re eating dinner out and a little one poops up her back and when you get to the bathroom, you realize that there are no baby changing tables.

15. When you realize there is every color of ice cream available…except blue, the only one he wants.

16. When you’re talking to your husband about what needs to be packed for your trip and your son yells out, “Mommy! Did you get your panty liners?”

17. When you go against your better judgment and decide to finally clean up the living room and then the entire crate of Duplos (which hardly ever gets played with) is dumped in the middle of the floor.

18. When all the high chairs have broken straps.

19. When you’ve got your hands and arms in poop and there are no more diapers in the drawer, and you’re the only adult home.

20. When your son realizes that the kind man who is bagging your groceries has a really bad case of acne and says, “Mommy, I’m scared of that man’s face.”

21. When the receptionist says, “The doctor’s running a little late today.”

22. When your child had 6 weeks before and after to cut their first teeth, but they decided to wait until a family trip.

23. When you roll over, look at the alarm clock, and realize that your child is waking earlier than most roosters on a Saturday morning.

24. When your son is sitting on the floor with a carton of eggs and a metal pot.

If your my eyes are still intact by year five, I’ll record that as one of my “Parent Milestone” victories…right beside, “My kids survived childhood with all their limbs intact.”


One thought on “When You Want to Gouge Your Parent Eyes: 24 Scenarios

  1. I love your adventures in parenting stories. And oh my… I can just imagine what your face looked like and how fast your heart was beating with #20!

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