37 Things the Books Never Told ME about Being a Mom

1. Bed time will feel like a hostage situation.

2. You will never poop alone.

3. Strangers will know best how to raise your children.

4. Sippy cups and mold are best friends.

5. Getting a shower is overrated.

6. Cold season may leave you suicidal.

7. They will have way nicer and cuter clothes than you.

8. There’s no need to have an alarm clock…just throw it away.

9. You will want to apologize to every parent you judged before you were a parent.

10. If you eat a warm (not hot) meal, you have basically won the Powerball.

11. Grocery shopping by yourself might bring tears to your eyes.

12. They will want a snack while you’re making dinner.

13. They will want a snack while you’re cleaning up dinner.

14. You should have a pack of batteries and a small screwdriver available at all times.

15. Everyday, you will throw random junk away that has mysteriously entered your home.

16. Hide-n-seek  and “sleep” is the best game…EVER.

17. Prime time for a bowel movement is after dinner has been served.

18. Driving a car with a foot in your back is par for the course.

19. When you shower, be prepared for 17 toys to fall when you reach for your shampoo.

20. 2 hours of nap time will feel like 20 minutes.

21. Bath time is more fun when the water is on you; wear a wet suit.

22. Having an extra set of helping hands in the kitchen will take you twice as long.

23. When you step on something wet, be excited when it’s just water.

24. They can’t put on their shoes, but they know how to triangulate, negotiate, and manipulate.

25. There will be days when you feel like tearing their hair out.

26. There will be days when they will tear your hair out.

27. A bowl of goldfish can be eaten in 6 seconds, but a bowl of dinner may take 60 minutes.

28. It’s okay if you name your washing machine, you’ll spend a lot of time with that girlfriend.

29. Even if it’s not on your bucket list, you will wrestle a baby steer on a changing pad.

30. You will feel like you fail a lot.

31. You will feel like other parent friends hardly fail.

32. You will burn calories buckling them into their car seats; you will sweat during winter coat season.

33. At one point, you will feel the need to call your parents and thank them for keeping you alive.

34. At one point, you may also feel the need to offer your parents reparation money.

35. Don’t wear something now that you want to wear later.

36. If you still like the people in your car when you arrive at church, it’s a good Sunday.

37. You will never have a harder, more rewarding job that pays you nothing and yet EVERYTHING.


10 thoughts on “37 Things the Books Never Told ME about Being a Mom

  1. All so very true! But as I tell all of my friends with 2 or more little ones it does get easier, but enjoy those crazy moments because they really do just fly by and the next thing you know your kids will be 7&9 and you will actually….occasionally…miss those days! I know you enjoy them Jess! Easier days are on the horizon for you but will make you teary eyed for these wild, crazy days!

  2. oh gosh Jess, this post had me laughing, nodding my head, and almost tears in my eyes! Your couldn’t have said it better!!! 🙂 so glad someone else (maybe everyone else) is experiencing the same thing I am! 🙂 Happy New year!

  3. Amen!!! #1 has been a hostage situation at our house for a week! Can’t wait for our schedule to resume! Thanks for sharing! I nodded, laughed, and thought, “oh thank you Lord for showing me I am not the only one!”

  4. So funny and so very true! I often show up to work with no winter coat and my coworkers think I’m crazy but I work up such a sweat getting 4 kids in the car in the morning that I forget to grab one. Then freeze during recess duty. 🙂 Had me laughing the whole time 🙂

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